HopeK429

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one. Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer .The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs .AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised .Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative !A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.· I had no control over the drooling.· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

To all our Service men and women currently enlisted, to those who are retired, and for those who gave their lives for ours, I THANK YOU for everything you have sacrificed to serve our country. How can I possibly express my gratitude to you for giving a part of your life to allow me to keep my freedom and sense of security and safety in a world that is obviously so chaotic? They're are no words in the dictionary to accurately express how amazing you are. Brave is not nearly enough, courageous just doesn't do it, gallant, heroic and even patriotic are not enough to describe your character on their own. But, all of those words together describe you and in my book define you as a Hero. My heartfelt thanks and gratitude could never be enough to replace the time you have spent away from your family, enough to compensate you for the experiences you have endured, nor enough to make up for the physical and emotional strain caused by your service., THANK YOU for everything you have sacrificed to serve our country. Every day there are people like you who put their lives on the line serving and protecting our freedoms., for bravely doing what you're called to do so we can safely do what we're free to do. You have defended freedom and peace with courage and honor. Thank you for your sacrifices, for your valor, for the things you carry, for protecting us, and for defending our rights , for your courage, strength and dedication to keeping us safe. I come from a family with many members who have served our country's military, including my Dad 2 of my brothers, my Papa and my nephew Jackson who is currently serving in the Marines. I know that your job requires a lot of sacrifice, a lot of hard work, and dedication. None of that comes easy. It all requires a choice and effort. You have chosen to fight against the enemy, to support those around you, and to strengthen our country's freedom. No one else can or will ever know exactly what you have endured or what you will face in your future. It is your story. You are like a single thread woven in the flag of freedom. You are important. You matter. You are appreciated. Thank you for choosing to serve. My prayers and good wishes for you, your brothers and sisters in arms, and your families. Thank you all for your patriotism, your sacrifices, and your selflessness. Today the nation honors you with gratitude, May God wrap his arms around you and protect you from harm. May he bless your loved ones with peace as they wait your return. That he keeps you safe and equips you both mentally and physically and comfort you when you need Him most until your safe return home.

WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Minnesota, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury).The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter; but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault.~~ If you read all of this you have been cooped up in your house to long. You need to get some sunshine.~~ If you laughed, like I did, share with your friends.

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last ! night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone! I'm married!" Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS !

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION- 5 MILES. Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son? ""I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then got through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."